(Wo)man's Best Friend

So I spent 2 hours and hundreds of dollars at the Vet today. My lovely lab has an ear infection, arthritis and anxiety for sure and the results of the blood work are still unknown. I felt like the worst doggie mother in America as I looked at her inflamed ears...why didn't she tell me they were hurting? As I tried not to cry and she tried not to drool, I realized that I would walk over burning coals for my pooch. I have had her in my life for six and a half years and I can't even begin to count the number of things she has supported me through.

When my fiance was in Iraq and I would lie awake at night crying, she was there...literally licking the tears from my cheeks for 9 months. When the fiance became the husband and slowly began to verbally abuse and physically intimidate us both, she was there growling at him and shadowing me-my constant protector. The day we left him behind and started over, she was the one riding shotgun, she was the one who sat next to me beneath a tree in a park taking in the brief limbo between our old life and our new one. She jogs with me when I want to be in shape, she lays in bed for days at a time when I'm sick...all of this she has done for me and all she wants in return is to be loved by me! Isn't that amazing! What more could a girl ask for?

When the bill came, I have to admit, I almost lost my lunch! I was really, really glad yesterday was payday! But mostly I was relieved that her red ears and sore joints can be treated and that for now I am lucky enough to have her-my wonderful, slobbery, furry best friend home...happy and (mostly) healthy!

Sangria, Salsa and Secret Dinners

Well...we met for dinner last night at Mad Mex and spent 4 hours talking. Most of it was catch up chit-chat but some was about the two of us and what happened between us. I found out that he actually moved in with the ex-girlfriend and her 3 children (the relationship he left me for, the one he HAD to try to make it work with again). That lasted for a few months and they have since seperated. The moment I saw him all of the feelings I had came rushing back and the time we spent together was easy and fun like it always had been. He made it clear that he is conflicted and trying to put his life in order and doesn't know if I will ever be apart of it. He claimed to understand how deeply he has hurt me and doesn't want to hurt me again. I appreciate that but, I still cried the whole way home! I know that I can't force something that isn't there, but for me it is there. I would like nothing more than a chance to see if we could have again what we once shared. I guess I have to take him at his word and live my life for myself. Do things that make me happy, enjoy the time I have now and if the time comes when he wants to try again...then I can deal with it. If only I could stop wondering...

• Could I ever be with him and not feel like I am the person he is with because it didn't work out with the person he wanted to be with?
• Is he thinking about me now?
• How about now?
• How do I fight the urge to call him, or email him?

I guess I blog...

So I was able to keep our dinner a secret for 4 days from all friends and family...quite a feat for me!He and I talked about what my loved ones think about him and I think he was suprised that I hadn't told anyone we were getting together. I didn't say anything cause I didn't know what to expect and I didn't want to hear all of the negative things I knew would be coming. On the way home from dinner I called my mom and told her. She was not happy that I had lied about where I was...she always thinks about accidents and emergencies. Telling her about my meeting was not as awful as I thought it would be although at one point, she specifically told me to "stay away from him"...she thinks he is a commitment phobe who will run for the hills when push comes to shove. She may be right...but I pointed out that it is my life and I need to live it in my own way. She agreed and suggested maybe I do tell too much and also that I take people's opinions too seriously...both of which are true. She also complemented my ability to keep the secret of our dinner for four days. I'm glad that I told her and she accepted what I did...but I also know that she is hoping and praying that his plans don't include me!

Now for telling my friends...2 specifically that I tell everything to...I'm going to take a minimalist approach. Something like "We had dinner...it was fine"...hopefully I won't crack under the pressure of the Spanish Inquisition, maybe they will let me off easy!

How did I get here?

How did I get here? On this site I mean, blogging about my boring life? Well, I have noticed some interesting and disturbing things about myself and decided to try to sort them out...



1. When in crisis I am unable to keep my mouth shut which comes in handy when I'm drinking wine and venting to my mom and my best friend but loses it's usefullness when I decide to forgive the person who has wronged me-and my loved ones still want to kill the ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, boss, etc...



2. I have a major personality trait (flaw) that allows me to easily forgive and forget and truly let it go. Not only does this create a problem for me; as leeches, losers and cheaters seem to meander in and out of my life at their leisure, but as mentioned in number 1...my loved ones do not share this trait and strongly disaprove when anyone who has wronged me gets a second chance. So far my ability to forgive has not had much success, but I'm not willing to give it up. When i try to hold on to bad feelings, it only makes me feel worse!



So this is how I arrived here...I have decided to limit what I tell my loved ones (yikes) and instead attempt to blog about my life in the hopes that when I decide to give someone a second chance...no one will know what an idiot they have been before, except me...and anyone who happens on this blog!



I started this blog today because tomorrow I am seeing the last man who broke my heart...it has been 5 months. I have told very few people that we have been in contact and those I told strongly disapproved...does he get a second chance...does he want one? As we were making plans via text messages, we decided on tomorrow evening...his preference, as my schedule is free...then it was bumped to afternoon because he is going bike riding tomorrow evening...am I being pushed to the back burner before the fire has even been (re)lit? Why would he have initiated contact if he didn't want to try again? If he wanted to try again, why is his profile back up on Match.com? Will any of these questions be answered tomorrow...I hope so!